Mass. doin’ Fine, Air Traffic Computer Glitch, Shuttle Atlantis’ Mission

Story One is about unemployment in my home state of Massachusetts.  Apparently the country and the world are going to hell in a handbasket- but not us!  Our unemployment rate is dropping, to the (apparently) lowish rate of 8.9 percent.

Then Story Two deals with a minor inconvenience for the lost souls attempting to travel by air today.  Computer glitch, fights delayed- ha ha you poor bastards.

Another air-traveling device features in Story Three, in which I read about the docking of the Shuttle Atlantis with the so-called space station (also known as the tin can in Earth orbit).

*warning: click the link below for humor content.  look elsewhere for actual conspiracy theories*

Globe + Warming, Sicky-Santas, and Somalia F*ed Up (as Usual)

We’re killing the planet, guys.  Yes, still.  According to Story One it’s gonna get wicked alot hotter, and those left alive will shrivel up and die in the sun!  Sorta like raisins do, only not so tasty.

Story Two goes to Somalia, then runs away really, really quickly.  It seems they can’t even manage to hold a soccer game without creepy militarism and children in camouflage kiddie fatigues.

Looking for the hidden connections I remembered Story Three, about a bunch of whiny old dudes who want special treatment when it comes time to hand out the swine flu shots, just because they’re going to be playing Santas over the holidays.

*hard to believe, but below this line some of the contents may not be 100% trustworthy*

French Foil Shooting, On-Again LHC, and BOOBS!

Story One will have all right-thinking Americans suspicious from the get go, because it comes from France- and we don’t take kindly to that country.  Apparently they tried to be all cool by having a school shooting there (copying us), but some Authorities stepped in and foiled it.

My coverage of the Large Hadron Collider continues with Story Two. Basically it goes: They’re starting it!  No, it’s not working!  No, there was a baguette gumming up its works!  No, now they’re starting it again!

Then, in order to fulfill my contractual obligation to the Insect Queens and to th Lesbian Sisterhood I’ve chosen Story Three, to also somehow fit into the conspiracy portion.  It’s about mammogram recommendations (BOOBS!!!!) and frankly I don’t have the slightest idea how I’ll make it all connect up yet.

*understand that I take no responsibility for the potential reaction of paranoid schizophrenics to my wacky conspiracy theories*

Iran against the Internet, Kenyan Forest-Squatters, Americans leaving America

Iran is up to their usual repressive, horrible, freedom-squashing tricks again in Story One, about their crackdown on subversive activity on the internets.

Story Two is also foreign (so if you’re American just squint your eyes when I mention Kenya and substitute “Africa” for it).  Basically, Kenya is going about their environmentalism the old fashioned repressive way, by kicking poor people out of the precious, lovely forests.

You can sigh with relief now!  Story Three is about us Americans.  Unfortunately it’s Americans who are looking to go abroad to find a job but hey, at least I didn’t scare you with any more weird names of foreign places.

*the veracity of so-called “information” below this point cannot be vouched for*

The George W. Bush Ninja conspiracy

There is a little known aspect of history to America, the Middle eastern wars, and George W. Bush that is often ignored by contemporary journalists. That is: the role Ninjas played in our foreign and domestic policies at the time. Yes, you read that right, Ninjas, with a capital N. You see George Bush was obsessed with them, he felt they surely could have solved all of our foreign problems.

According to an anonymous White House source at the time, George Bush spent tens of billions of Tax payer dollars attempting to unlock the secrets of them. The same anonymous source explained that George Bush was fanatical about his attempts to bring Ninjas into the American Military fold, often screaming at advisors that told him his views of Ninjas were wrong and based in fiction rather than reality.

Contrbutioner

Apologies for the delay in today’s post.  I had difficulty figuring out how the process of having a new Contributioner works.  Apparently, I had to click “posts” to get to his submission.  Who knew?

3 NewsTories has recently made contact with an agent in the field, who has agreed to contribute a piece or two when ad if he comes across a scoop worthy of this venue in his travels.

While I don’t know him personally and really he could be a Blorthrenx for all I know, I think he seems pretty trustworthy.  Regular readers can be assured that all content contributed by American Nomad is at least as reliable as what I post myself.  If not more so.

Pacific Prez, Cambodia POed at Thailand, Water on the Moon

In Story One barack HUSSEIN Obamantichrist muslim not-our sort of president-guy called himself America’s first “pacific president” on his trip to Japan recently, which despite it’s nifty alliteration is unlikely to calm the fears of the crazy people who think he’s a foreigner alien, as opposed to a puppet leader of the extra-terrestrial kind of aliens.

Story Two takes place in roughly similar spacetime coordinates and spins a tale of the recent diplomatic snafu between Cambodia and Thailand.  One of the two is mad at the other, or something.  Can’t tell you exactly why, as I’m American and we don’t do foreigners, but anyway diplomats have been expelled.

Last but not least Story Three has  NASA scientists claiming that there’s water on the moon.  These aren’t probably the same NASA scientists who told us that the moon was bone dry back when I was in grade school, so I guess that’s supposed to make us think they’re trustworthy.

*below this dividing line there be dragons*

Seizing Iran-linked Mosques, Spirit Bears, and Drugs to Kill the Elderly

First up Story One is bears again.  Not content to interbreed with grizzlies, some black bears are turning white all on their own.  So-called “spirit bears” are managing to out-compete their brown colored cousins because they’re better at catching fish, who can hardly see them when compared to the darker ones.

Story Two presents the findings of a study which says that elderly people are dying prematurely because the people attending to them over prescribe dementia medication.  Guess it’s hard to tell between someone who is genuinely going mental and someone who is just really, really annoying.

And then of course there’s Story Three which everyone will have seen by now, about the seizure of Mosques and other property by the feds, who are claiming it’s all that nasty Iran’s fault again.

*warning: you’ve been warned.  don’t take the bottom half of this post seriously*

$3 million CIA coffee table, Smoking still Bad, Extrasolar Planets

Story One is sure to have caught the eyes of all conspiracy-minded readers, it tells the story of a coffee table, the CIA, and a lawsuit for $3 million.

Some of those aforementioned readers may also be personally interested in Story Two, which states that those with bipolar disorder who smoke are the most likely to commit suicide.

What does it all mean?  Story Three may hold the answer.  It’s about a new clue which helps scientists figure out which of the stars are most likely to have planetary systems.

*please be aware that the conspiracy theories found below the jump are meant with humorous intent*

Daycare in Straightjackets, Blackout in Brazil, and Chicks in Combat

Story One today takes us to Brazil, where a massive blackout hit the beautiful and usually carefree cities of Sao Paulo and Rio De Janeiro as well as other parts of South America.

At first this seemed to have little or no connection to Story Two, about an ingenious daycare provider in Minnesota who jury rigged strait jackets using nothing but safety pins, the children’s own pyjamas, and cunning.

Last but not least there’s Story Three, in which some guy argues that women, that’s right women ought to be allowed to serve in combat.  You know, instead of just taking girly jobs like that lady MP who took out the dude who shot up Fort Hood last week.

*by clicking the link below you are not necessarily certifying that you are sane enough not to take conspiracy theories seriously, but you are at least absolving me of any responsibility for your own paranoid delusions*